Mother’s Day from the Porch
Just as the weather has turned blindingly beautiful and I am eager to run all over the mountain roads of the North Country-in this brief season after the frost is out of the ground and the mud has receded and before the arrival of the black flies, I carelessly dropped a sofabed on my foot.
It was, as all sofabeds tend to be, heavy, and I dropped it from a good height, so it had time to get a good velocity going before it landed smack on top of my rather delicate little foot. Luckily the Arnica was within arms reach and as I pulled off my sock with one hand, I grabbed the tube in the other. I would love to do an experiment to find out if this is really effective or just a comforting belief in the herbal ways, but cannot resist doing what I can to stave off damage.
My day on the porch with my foot propped up and iced was not so bad, I found. Warm sun, cool breeze and the tea kettle just a few hops away in the kitchen, my computer on my lap (sorry cats, you had to settle for the guest chair), I got a surprising amount of work done.
This morning, the foot looks pretty good-nothing appeared to be broken though it was a very nice color of violet blue. I look forward with relief to the being up and about again, if not ready to run a 5K, at least managing a putter in the garden and to get the laundry put away.
I thought then of my Mom, who at age 89 has peripheral neuropathy which weakens her legs and makes it increasingly hard to get around. I wondered if Arnica would help and realized it is a very different thing to be down for a day or two from facing ever decreasing mobility.
The neuropathy, in which the messages to and from the brain are distorted by irregularities in the myelin sheath around the nerves, is genetic, caused by a glitch in a gene. It might well be something I face in the long distant future, should I be lucky enough to get old. I have the hope that some scientist is working on a gene upgrade, so I will be OK, but that is by no means a sure thing. I am optimistic though and for now, so is Mom. She does her exercises and walks as much as she can to keep fit and take advantage of the strengths she still has.
So I push the envelope and go the extra mile (literally) while I can and am grateful for every step, and for the strong will, courage and determination I also inherited from my mom. Thanks Mom for a genetic and spiritual legacy that is proving to be a pretty good deal, Happy Mother’s Day!
Read MoreLong Distance Love
Mom lives 584 miles away from me and while she is settled nicely in her elder community, active and busy, I still worry about her from afar. The road from New Hampshire to Virginia is challenged by weather and traffic and I do not get to visit as much as I would like. I know I am not alone in my long distance care adventure as many of my friends have begun this dance with parents, cousins and distant aunts.
Lately, Mom and I have discovered a few new ways to stay close while the miles keep us apart. As a beginner Mac user, mom was daunted by all the possibilities. She got her first little laptop a few years ago and has made friends with it. I swapped it out for a newer model recently and though there was a learning curve-Mom is back!
I have explained many times that no one knows how to do it all on the computer, (with the possible exception of my Grandson Jack-4 years old now, who mastered all devices that came near his fat little fists seemingly from the moment he was born.) As both of us were born before computer was more than science fiction, Mom and I have found that the challenge bonds us in our battle to master the latest and greatest gadget.
I wonder why more older folks do not embrace the computer for communication. Skype makes it possible to visit with great grandchildren for a spell without having to roll out the sofa bed and stow the fragile tea set and it is perfect for a daily look around mom’s place for the long distance relative who cares.
When I offered to get the Skype app on Mom’s new tablet, she said, no-wait till I can get back to Facebook-one thing at a time. Good idea, I respect her dance with technology and now I’m happy to report that Mom is calling me up wanting to know when my daughter and son cut their hair, having seen the current pics on Facebook. Thumbs up on both “new “ styles by the way–Mom is back on Facebook and as curious as ever about what she sees there.
Netflix is a source of great fun for Mom, who has access through her complicated array of TV remotes-I could not begin to sort out her thousands of channels and options, but she is master of all she surveys from her recliner chair in the living room corner. She still enjoys the quaint practice of mailing the DVD’s back and forth. Mom could write reviews, for she is a keen observer and I think she has seen almost every movie ever made.
Reading is a great pleasure for Mom and now she gets her books on her Kindle, where the type can be resized for her reading pleasure. It is also lighter than the big print books which can sometimes be of a daunting dimension and weight.
A nephew and granddaughter who live near her are charmed by Mom’s mission to master her little machines and swoop in to help frequently–an added bonus for all as she draws in assistance and visits when needed.
While nothing can take the place of a real time, in person visit, these interim measures plus a daily phone call fill in nicely. It is fun to be there and fine to leave as I never really feel too far away. As mom tackles Skype I am sorting out the intricacies of the video blog–watch for that here soon! I am imagining a Mom YouTube channel-you never know. All in all, I think technology has served mom and me very well. I promise to post a little clip of the two of us later this month!
A Spring Walk in the North Country
Spring is here, but as usual, you could not prove that by a quick look out the window. Yes, the days are longer. Yes, the deep freeze has released a bit of it’s grip on night time temperatures. True– I have not seen the minus sign on the thermometer for a few weeks now, but it is still snowing, even if it melts more quickly. The real reason I hesitate about rejoicing for Spring’s arrival is that I have not yet seen a bear. The big black Mommas and Papas are still snoozing in their dens up here in the North Country. I can be sure of this because the trash is still in the can out on the porch. That’s right, in Northern New Hampshire, the real harbinger of spring is not the crocus or even the black flies, it is the sight of the remnants of my garbage strewn across the lawn.
I love winter and enjoy hunkering down before the fire or striding out for a forest walk over deep crisp snow, but Spring-you can have Spring. Black flies, black bears and mud are what we face and many of us hearty souls who laugh when the thermometer reads -30 and the snow tops our windowsills just give up and leave for the duration if we can. This year, as I have for the last four years, I will join family and friends for a week long camping trip to an ocean campground in Virginia that gives us a needed jump start on Summer. We relax, cook massive meals, and enjoy the 20+ year long tradition and blissfully warm weather. Yes, the natives think us nuts for strolling around in shorts and T-shirts in weather they believe hostile to their summer wardrobes, but we bask and inhale the scent of flowers and buds that will not yet arrive for us back home for many long weeks.
Spring is not here yet, but as I zip myself into a waterproof parka for my daily walk, I put my bear bells in the pocket, just in case. If you chance to be up here and out on the country roads and trails in Spring or Summer, and I do recommend that you visit, take along something to make some noise as you go. This warns the bears and gives them a chance to back away before a surprise confrontation. Here is a tip-you don’t really want to surprise any big, wild thing-moose, bear, whatever.
If you do-here is some advice to tuck away in the back of your brain. If it is a bear, back slowly away. Do not make sudden moves or noise and do not turn your back and run. OK, this may prove difficult, which is why I recommend the bear bells. If you surprise a moose however-do the opposite-run! Moose are not all that bright, so duck behind a tree. They may charge the tree, but won’t think to come around the other side to get you. Trees don’t work for bears-bears climb trees. So remember; bears-back away, moose-run and duck behind a tree. OK, you are now qualified for Spring in the North Country, sorry I missed you, I’m heading to Virginia for the duration.
Read MoreGratitude (For Unsung Heros)
Being a caregiver is hard, as anyone who has ever done it can attest. If you have not had this experience, I bet you have imagined a scenario where you might have to step in and be a caregiver. Like this-”What if Mom has a tumble on the front walk?-ye gads, what if she broke her hip?” I bet the thought has crossed your mind-what if…?
My first thought when contemplating caring for my own mom was of the heroic variety. Feeling perfectly capable of riding to the rescue, I imagined long lazy afternoons of companionable and comforting exchanges while I attended to business matters long distance–later whipping up a tempting treat for mom and me while I sipped a lovely vintage, anticipating a speedy recovery for mom and a restful break for me. Of course, this was total fantasy and the disappointment I felt after about a week as it dawned on me, exhausted, frazzled, at my wits end as I fell into bed each night (a bed I had not even had time to make) was massive. “How will I ever get out of this?”
It is ironic that just at the time when you need more money, your ability to make that money is compromised by the care of your loved one. That is not the worst of it. Yes, you can get over the initial shock of uprooting your life and routines and being there for someone who needs you. Yes, they can get used to having you do for them what they used to do so easily, yes, you can find the resources to cope–financial, emotional and physical, but what about your life? What happened to that? Your career track, the skills you were building, the contacts you so carefully husbanded?
If your caregiving stint extends beyond a few months, you will find yourself slipping. At first, sure, everyone thinks you are a hero for stepping up to the needs of your loved one, but soon that respect turns a bit resentful. The people who formerly relied on you understand perfectly that your parent, spouse, child or friend needs you more, but all the same, now you are simply not showing up for them.
Seventy five percent of all unpaid caregivers are women, and there is a bit more leeway for them in the opinion of colleagues, spouses and children. Perhaps because women routinely interrupt careers to have children, there is more of an expectation of nurturing–but what if you are a man?
More and more men are stepping in to care for loved ones as societal standards shift and it becomes more and more acceptable, but a long term caregiver who is also a man risks a lot by doing what seems good and right.
One man I know interrupted his career several times to move home and care for his parents, alternating and sometimes simultaneously caring for both, even though they were divorced. In the end he got his mom to agree to move his dad back into her home so he could care for them both more easily.
It is a testimony to his skill and dedication that his parents lived so long with disabilities, but his very success proved to be his undoing. By the time his parents had passed on, he was left with only the remnants of the skills he had built all those years earlier. The economy was in shambles, and he was almost a senior citizen himself.
The worst thing in this scenario is not so much his tough prospect of starting over, just about the time he thought he would retire. Lets face it, that happens to a lot of folks these days for various reasons. To my mind the worst thing for this friend was that he had lost the respect of former colleagues who thought less of him for his loving and practical solution of spending most of his career building years as an unpaid caregiver. People just thought that was a weird thing to do, and that perhaps it was a bit unmanly to make a choice for love and family, rather than career and self.
We all just wondered if the caregiving was not a crutch of sorts, keeping him from the competition the rest of us were knee deep in. Yep I was right in there with the skeptics, even after writing my book on caregiving. When I gave it a good re-think this week, I made an about face, swept away my old negative judgmental thoughts and looked on this guy as a new sort of hero. He is a man who chose a life of loving and caring for those he held dear, no matter the cost, now he commands my deepest respect.
Sorry, my friend, for my failure to look upon you and your service with less than awe. You are a hero, plain and simple and if I could, I would award you the highest honors in a public ceremony at the White House or somewhere grand-the Oscars or the Kennedy Center–you deserve all that. For now, you will just have to take my heartfelt appreciation as I sing your praises softly, for you, and all the unsung hero caregivers out there. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart for showing us all the way.
Read MoreIndulge!
Last week I headed out in my new camper van-”Little Bird” and fetched up at a lovely little Lake in South Carolina. Here the tall trees grow right down to the edge of the water and I hear the fish splashing and leaping around from my front porch. It is so quiet on the deep base of pine needles, that even though there are other campers all around, I hear not a step.
The purpose of this jaunt is to buckle down and write my next book-provisionally called Indulge! The Health Benefits of Coffee, Chocolate and Wine. Tough work-right? I began at the end with the volume on wine, probably because by the time I got settled it was time for a glass. Sipping as I dug into my thick notebook of research, I started to get excited because the news about drinking wine was as good as I’d hoped it would be.
Plowing through the data provided by numerous researchers requires a good dictionary and spare computer to look up the mysterious references like-Meta-regression analysis and normotensive subgroups. Surely they are making some of this up?
I am determined to expand by brain and take all this in because from the little I know already, so much of the “good news” I read in punchy little articles is a misinterpretation of the facts, with daring leaps through some very thin air as the data is mushed into proclamations like-”We will all be living to age 150 starting in 2028. (Seriously, I read that today on the internet) Lets not get carried away. The very real benefits may turn out to be that startling, but I would settle for a “lower incidence of high blood pressure” for now.
Some of the research is very heartening-I mean that literally as much has to do with heart health. I am writing this book so I have an excuse to indulge my very geeky scientific bent and justify the time spent tracking down the original studies to put together a picture of where we stand on the topic of indulgence.
Personally, I am hoping for proof that my treasured pleasures are bono fide health food-(provided they are taken in the prescribed dose.) Knowing the facts as they stand now is better either way; I aim to cut a swathe through the confusion.
The book will celebrate or mourn according to the results of my investigation, but as I said-the prospects are good for coffee, chocolate and wine which seem at first glance to have much to offer both in building health and in satisfying our need for sensual indulgence.
My wish for us all is to enjoy all our years, stay sharp and vigorous till the end. We are far beyond “Live fast, die young and leave a beautiful corpse”(John Derek). That boat sailed long ago. I propose a new motto for Boomers:
“Play hard, indulge reasonably, don’t die till you are good and old–then die happy.”
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